The New Normal After Divorce: 10 Tips for Successful Coparenting

Divorce turns everything upside down—especially for your kids. While you’re busy figuring out life in separate households, they’re trying desperately to understand what’s happening around them. Two homes, different routines, and new family dynamics can leave them feeling shaky and wondering what “normal” is supposed to be.

The truth is, adjusting to the new normal after divorce isn’t about getting every detail right. It’s about offering them a sense of stability and comfort in the middle of all the changes. It’s not about fixing every problem, but about helping them feel secure as you all find your way forward together.

Here are ten practical tips for successful co-parenting that will help your child adjust and feel at home in this new chapter.

1. Prioritize Consistent Routines Across Both Households

Why This Is Important:
Routines provide a sense of predictability, which is critical for children, especially during times of uncertainty like divorce. Research shows that consistent routines can help children manage stress and adjust better emotionally. According to a study in the Journal of Family Psychology, children who experience consistency in their daily routines across both households are less likely to exhibit behavioral problems and are more likely to feel secure.

• Try something like this:
  1. “You’ll have dinner with Dad at the same time we do here, so it’ll feel just like home.”
  2. “Bedtime will be the same at both houses. You can even bring your favorite bedtime book!”
  3. “We’ll always have Saturday morning breakfast together, no matter where you are during the week.”
• Try Not To Do This:
  1. “I don’t know what your routine is at Dad’s, but we’re doing it differently here.”
  2. “You’ll have to get used to things being different at both houses.”
  3. “Your other parent doesn’t care about keeping a schedule.”
• Tips:
  1. Coordinate Key Activities: Try to align important routines like bedtime, mealtime, and homework schedules, so your child feels the consistency no matter which home they’re in.
  2. Create a Familiar Space: Encourage your child to take comforting items, like a favorite stuffed animal or blanket, between homes to create continuity and make both places feel like home.

2. Keep Communication Open About Changes

Why This Is Important:
Open communication helps kids feel secure in the face of change. According to the American Psychological Association, children who are given clear, age-appropriate information about their situation are less likely to feel anxious or confused. Keeping kids in the loop about changes—whether it’s holidays, schedules, or new routines—lets them feel involved and prepared.

• Try something like this:
  1. “We’ll be spending holidays differently this year, but you’ll get to celebrate with both of us.”
  2. “Things are changing, but I’ll always keep you updated on what’s happening.”
  3. “Let me know if you’re feeling nervous about anything, and we can talk through it.”
• Try Not To Do This:
  1. “You don’t need to know the details. Just trust me.”
  2. “I’ll let you know what’s going on when I feel like it.”
  3. “It’s not a big deal, you’ll figure it out.”
• Tips:
  1. Prepare Them for Transitions: Give your child plenty of notice when there are upcoming changes, like moving between houses or schedule shifts. Surprises can heighten anxiety.
  2. Use a Family Calendar: Keep a shared family calendar to help your child visually see where they’ll be and when, easing anxiety around transitions between homes.

3. Build Special Traditions in Both Homes

Why This Is Important:
Creating traditions in both households helps children feel grounded and gives them something to look forward to. According to research from the University of Illinois, family rituals and traditions are shown to promote emotional bonding and security, which is especially beneficial for children navigating divorce. Traditions help provide a sense of stability and continuity, even when life feels uncertain.

• Try something like this:
  1. “How about we make homemade pizza every Friday when you’re here?”
  2. “Let’s pick a book to read together every night. What would you like to start with?”
  3. “We’ll always have pancakes on Sundays—something fun to look forward to!”
• Try Not To Do This:
  1. “Things are too different now. We don’t have time for traditions.”
  2. “You’ll just have to wait and see if we have time for that.”
  3. “We can’t do anything special—life is too busy.”
• Tips:
  1. Create Simple Traditions: Small weekly rituals like pizza night, a movie, or a special breakfast offer a sense of consistency that kids can rely on.
  2. Let Them Choose: Let your child help choose the traditions or activities they want to repeat. This gives them ownership and makes them excited about the new routines.

4. Create Spaces Where They Feel at Home

Why This Is Important:
Having a place where they feel at home in both households helps children adjust better to the new living arrangements. Research shows that children who feel secure in both homes experience less anxiety and exhibit fewer behavioral issues. By letting your child have a say in decorating their space or bringing familiar items between homes, you’re helping them feel more settled.

• Try something like this:
  1. “Let’s decorate your room here just how you want it.”
  2. “You can bring anything you want from the other house so it feels like your space.”
  3. “This is your home too, so let’s make sure it feels that way.”
• Try Not To Do This:
  1. “It doesn’t matter what your room looks like—it’s only temporary.”
  2. “You don’t need to bring anything from the other house. We’ll figure it out.”
  3. “This is my house, so we’ll do it my way.”
• Tips:
  1. Let Them Personalize: Allow your child to decorate their space or bring items from the other home that make them feel more comfortable.
  2. Create a Safe Space: Ensure they have a quiet, relaxing spot in each house where they can retreat when they need some alone time.

5. Be Consistent with Boundaries and Rules

Why This Is Important:
Children need clear and consistent boundaries to feel safe. According to Child Development research, kids who experience consistent rules and expectations between households are more likely to adjust positively to the changes in family structure. While not every rule has to be the same in both homes, agreeing on the non-negotiables—like bedtime or screen time—helps kids feel secure.

• Try something like this:
  1. “The same rules apply here and at Dad’s, so you’ll know what to expect.”
  2. “We agreed on screen time rules to make sure things are fair.”
  3. “You’ll always know what’s expected at both houses.”
• Try Not To Do This:
  1. “We have totally different rules here, and you’ll just have to deal with it.”
  2. “Dad doesn’t care about rules, but I do.”
  3. “I don’t care what the other house does—this is how we do it.”
• Tips:
  1. Agree on the Basics: Work with your co-parent to establish consistent rules around major issues, like bedtime or discipline, so your child knows what to expect.
  2. Explain Boundaries Gently: Make sure your child understands that rules are in place for their well-being and that they apply in both homes to keep things consistent.

6. Encourage Open Dialogue About Their Feelings

Why This Is Important:
Research consistently shows that children cope better with divorce when they feel safe discussing their emotions. According to the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, when children have the freedom to express their feelings without fear of judgment, they are less likely to internalize stress and anxiety.

• Try something like this:
  1. “It’s okay to feel sad or angry about the changes. I’m here whenever you want to talk.”
  2. “I know this is tough, and it’s normal to feel a lot of different things.”
  3. “Tell me how you’re feeling about everything—I want to understand.”
• Try Not To Do This:
  1. “Don’t worry about it. Things will work themselves out.”
  2. “I’m not in the mood to talk about this right now.”
  3. “You should just focus on being happy—don’t dwell on the bad stuff.”
• Tips:
  1. Be a Safe Space: Encourage your child to talk about their feelings, even the tough ones. Let them know it’s okay to express their emotions.
  2. Offer Validation: Let them know their feelings are valid. Sometimes, just saying “I understand” can go a long way in making your child feel heard.

7. Help Them Understand That Healing Takes Time

Why This Is Important:
Children need reassurance that adjusting to divorce is a process, and it’s okay if it takes time. According to a report from the American Academy of Pediatrics, children who are given the space to heal at their own pace are more likely to develop resilience. Healing from the emotional impact of divorce doesn’t happen overnight, and kids benefit from knowing it’s okay to have ups and downs.

• Try something like this:
  1. “It’s okay if things feel tough right now. We’ll take it one day at a time.”
  2. “It’s normal to miss the way things used to be. We’re creating new memories now, and it’ll get easier.”
  3. “Some days will be harder than others, but that’s okay. We’re figuring it out together.”
• Try Not To Do This:
  1. “You should be over this by now.”
  2. “Why can’t you just get used to things?”
  3. “We don’t have time to dwell on this.”
• Tips:
  1. Be Patient: Allow both yourself and your child to adjust to the changes without rushing the process. Remind them that healing takes time.
  2. Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge the moments of progress, even the small ones, to help build a sense of accomplishment and positive momentum during the transition.

8. Encourage Healthy Emotional Outlets

Why This Is Important:
Children often struggle to express their emotions verbally, so encouraging healthy outlets—like drawing, journaling, or physical activity—can help them process what they’re feeling in ways that feel natural. Research from Harvard University suggests that creative and physical outlets help children regulate their emotions and reduce stress.

• Try something like this:
  1. “How about we draw together? Sometimes it helps to get your feelings out on paper.”
  2. “Let’s go for a walk and talk about how you’re feeling—it’s easier when we’re moving.”
  3. “Writing about what’s on your mind can help. Do you want to try journaling?”
• Try Not To Do This:
  1. “Just calm down, there’s no need to act this way.”
  2. “Stop making a big deal out of things. Just get over it.”
  3. “You don’t need to draw or write—just talk to me.”
• Tips:
  1. Offer Different Options: Let your child choose from multiple outlets, such as drawing, music, or sports, to help them express their feelings in a way that suits them.
  2. Model Emotional Regulation: Show your child that you also use healthy outlets, like exercising or journaling, to manage your emotions. Kids learn by watching.

9. Reassure Them of Your Unconditional Love

Why This Is Important:
Divorce can leave children feeling insecure about their place in the family. They may worry about losing the love or attention of one or both parents. According to Child Mind Institute, children who feel secure in their parents’ love and attention are better able to cope with the changes divorce brings. Reassuring them that your love is constant, no matter what, helps strengthen their emotional security.

• Try something like this:
  1. “No matter what, I will always love you.”
  2. “We’re still a family, even if we live in two different houses.”
  3. “You’re important to me, and that’s never going to change.”
• Try Not To Do This:
  1. “Don’t worry so much about it, it’ll be fine.”
  2. “You’ll get used to things being different.”
  3. “Just focus on yourself; you don’t need to think about me.”
• Tips:
  1. Offer Regular Affirmations: Make it a habit to remind your child of your love and commitment, even if it feels repetitive. They need to hear it often.
  2. Spend One-on-One Time: Set aside special time with your child regularly to reassure them that your relationship is a priority.

10. Encourage Connections with Both Parents

Why This Is Important:
Children benefit from maintaining strong, positive relationships with both parents, even after a divorce. According to the Journal of Family Psychology, kids who have regular, healthy interactions with both parents tend to feel more secure and experience fewer emotional challenges. Supporting your child’s relationship with their other parent, even if it’s difficult for you, ensures they feel loved and supported by both of you.

• Try something like this:
  1. “I know you’re excited to see Dad this weekend! You’ll have so much fun.”
  2. “You’ll always have time with both of us—we both love you so much.”
  3. “It’s great that you had a good time with Mom. I’m glad to hear you had fun.”
• Try Not To Do This:
  1. “I don’t care what happens at Dad’s, this is my house.”
  2. “I don’t need to hear about your time with the other parent.”
  3. “I’m sure things aren’t as fun over there as they are here.”
• Tips:
  1. Speak Positively About the Other Parent: Even if your relationship with your ex is strained, try to speak positively or neutrally about them to your child. This encourages a healthy bond.
  2. Support Their Time with the Other Parent: Show enthusiasm and interest when your child shares experiences from the other household. This reinforces that their connection with both parents is important.

Creating a new normal after divorce isn’t about perfection—it’s about establishing stability, predictability, and emotional security for your child. By maintaining open communication, reinforcing routines, and giving your child the space to express themselves, you help them navigate the changes with confidence. Remember, healing takes time, and with your support, your child can adjust, grow, and thrive in their new reality.